The Birthday Party

There was once a Mum, a birthday party virgin if you like. Full of hope and excited expectation at their offspring being invited to a jelly and icecream filled shindig. Their child will be the most popular, being welcomed into the cool kid crew, join in all the party games and maybe, just maybe be the Musical Chairs champion of the world! She’d burst with pride she thought to herself. It’ll be so amazing she mused strapping her little bundle of joy into the car. The poor cow would soon learn she was very, very wrong.

She would come to realise kids parties are NOT fun. They are in fact the opposite of fun, they are almost as fun as having a giant cactus inserted into your rectum and twisted (righty tighty, lefty loosey)  but not quite. She would have a rude awakening of the rudest kind.

For she would soon find out that she would not be welcomed into the party by Mum’s high fiving her, handing her prosecco and kids elbowing each other, whispering about the amazingly cool Mum that just walked in. Instead she would have the card and present unceremoniously snatched out of her hand, she’d spent hours in The Entertainer mulling over that sodding present. Did she go cheap because after all she didn’t even know this kid? Did she go extravagant so she wasn’t forever seen as that cheapskate cow that went to the pound shop? She went middle of the road in the end and just hoped that Birthday Kid wouldn’t be allowed to open it in front of her and show her the huge, huge disappointment in his eyes.

She would then find no friendly faces and slink off to the darkest corner and there she would stay. Sometimes with her kid, the one who refuses to join in, clinging snottily to the front of her painstakingly chosen blouse or all alone like a cast aside bag of bollocks.

12 times the kid will want to go to the toilet so she has to do the crossing the dancefloor walk of shame while everyone wonders who the hell she is and why she was invited. If she’s lucky she might burst a balloon on the way over so everyone eyerolls  at her inadequacy and fat feet.

To her horror when the super fun character makes an appearance Kid will run screaming from the building like Freddy Krueger just rocked up  and asked for a Gangnam Style dance lesson. To be fair Peppa Pig does look as though she’s spent the last few months in a crack house but who is she to judge.

The food though, they’ll eat the food, of course they will, when the buffet announcement rings out the kids will smash each other out the way for their sugar rush, like a bunch of mini football hooligans clawing each others eyes out for a jammy coconut biscuit. The poor kid who takes the last chocolate finger can look out – they’ll get a bonk to the brain with a pinata stick because how bloody dare they?

The poor Mum clinging to the last little bit of hope that’s slowly but surely pouring out of her and pooling at her feet like a puddle of piss would make a last ditch attempt to join in by dragging the kid up to Cha Cha Slide like the other Mum’s who have their shit and coordination together. Kid will not be impressed. Kid will kick off and pull away screaming that they don’t want to, out of the corner of her eye she sees pompous Mum dialing the number for social services whilst tutting along to the Justin Bieber song that’s just blasted it’s way into everyone’s ears.

She will thank her lucky stars when the lights go up and everyone is expected to bugger off, Kid grabs a party bag on the way out and she’s wondering why Party Mum had that weird smirk on her face. She wouldn’t have to wait long to find out as the minute she sits relieved in her car seat she will be deafened by the high pitched squeal of a bastarding plastic yellow whistle.

For the love of God. Now she understood.

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Children’s Birthday Gift Guide

It’s that time of year again when both my youngest children have their birthdays – 9 days apart! It can be hard work and expensive. When you ask what they’d like you’re either answered with a 4 page list or a resounding “I dunno”. Here I list a few inexpensive items that make great present ideas for both boys and girls. giftpup-emoji-notebook-little-brian-paint-sticks-tangle-angel-tangle-cherub-find-me-a-gift-chocolate-chops-smiggle-goo
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Bad Day? No Way!

Now I’m not one of those nutters who professes to be able to cure depression in 24 easy steps, this is purely meant as a light hearted post when you’ve had a bad day whether that’s grumpy shouty people at work, nightmare at home with the kids trying to drown each other in the downstairs bog or your supermarket of choice delivering your shopping and substituting your kids size 4 nappies for a multipack of yellow dusters. Want some ideas for taking your mind off it? Strap yourself in and here we go.

• Four finger kit-kat? Dairy Milk the size of your oldest child? Double Decker eaten the naughty way with the chewy bit first? Whatever floats your boat… get it in your gob. In the airing cupboard obviously, we’ll have none of that sharing nonsense, thankyou very much.

• Gin? Prosecco? Mad Dog 20/20? What’s your tipple? Drink it til you get that ‘just stepped off a waltzer at Porthcawl fair’ feeling. Just try not to spew, or your bad day will turn into 2 bad days when you’re scraping Tuna ‘n’ Pasta chunks off the bedroom carpet the next morning and stumbling into work with a monster headache.

• Give the kids a cuddle. They might fart in your lap or throw up their Turkey Drumsticks if you squeeze too hard but those little buggers give good hugs don’t they? Continue reading

Game For A Laugh With Ginger Fox #3

The weather has improved, you might have spent the day in the garden or gone to the caravan for the weekend. In the evening it’s nice to relax with or without the kids and play a boardgame.

We’ve reviewed Ginger Fox  family games before here and here  and really enjoyed them and this set of games didn’t disappoint either.

Pinch ‘N’ Pass

Battle with your opponents and the buzzer in this quick-thinking, fast-paced game of categories. How many famous actors, pizza toppings, or breeds of dog can you name under pressure? ‘Pinch’ and ‘pass’ category cards by being able to list more than your opponents to win at this great, grabby game. There’s a huge variety of category cards – something for everyone! The spinner decides which round you play: PINCH! PASS! or  HEAD-TO-HEAD. The random electronic timer creates tense gameplay – you never know who will be left with the card!

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Shopping? You’re Off Your Trolley!

Shopping. Love it or hate it, it’s a job that has to be done at some point unless you fancy starving. Jon and I have very different views on shopping. To me it’s a chore, I’m a get in, get it done and get out kind of person. He’s a take your time, peruse at your leisure kind of person. This is a recipe for disaster as on the majority of occasions we end up at loggerheads with me whispering “will you bloody hurry up” through gritted teeth and him telling me to “sod right off”, usually with something added about being a moody cow for good measure. Added to the fact he ALWAYS wants to go after I finish work, I am indeed a tired, hungry, grumpy bastard.

Take the other day for example, I can drive, he can’t, so most of the time I have to go with him because I’m not spiteful enough to make him drag it home on the bus. He’s a fussy bugger and likes to squeeze the melons and whatnot so won’t entertain the idea of online shopping. We rock up, for once child free, I was looking forward to getting the shopping done and naffing off home to eat chocolate and watch programmes unsuitable for young children. No. Over an hour it took him while I stomped around behind him like a teenager that’s been dragged out with Mum and Dad who hold hands and kiss in public. Not my idea of fun, I can tell you. Continue reading