One day just when you think you have this parenting thing cracked, they’ll go to bed and wake up a totally different kid. You’ll wonder what on earth happened whilst drowning your sorrows in gin. Here are my tips to get you ready for having a teen boy. It isn’t serious I’m just as blimmin’ clueless as everyone else but it will give you an insight into the delights you can look forward too. Yippee.
• Take a lovely pair of white socks, get in the car, drive to the nearest rubbish dump, rub them around the smelliest pile of crap you can find. Take them home leave them for a week. Now pick them up and take a good sniff. That smell right there is how their socks will smell and consequently their bedroom. Oh and clean up that vomit you just got everywhere you’re gonna need a stronger stomach.
• Start learning how to fashion a gas mask out of a tea towel to do the washing now so you get used to it. Believe me when I say you’ll need it. You can NEVER be prepared for how smelly their pits get and NEVER EVER ask why that sock is crispy and stuck together.
• Start having conversations with the walls. Sometimes those guys will be the only ones listening and they won’t roll their eyes at you or huff and puff every time you so much as open your mouth or even just breathe near your darling teen. Maybe make it worth it and stick a poster of Tom Hardy up there. If you’re gonna be ignored at least he’s worth looking at.
• Buy a dictionary of ‘crap words made up by teens’ or you’ll never be able to understand a bloody word they grunt your way. Do you know your peng from your fam or your raw from your schnapping? Nope, I didn’t have a Scooby Doo either!
• Start using the space under their bed as a makeshift bin. That way when you go searching for the batteries they nicked out of your Sky remote for their Xbox controller there’ll be no nasty, niffy surprises.
• When storing their phone number in your phone change it to your own number. You might as well just text yourself all day long as I can guarantee they won’t answer you unless of course you’re clever and text something like “your little brother is in your room looking through your DVD’s and there’s one with no name on it, is it ok for him to watch?” they’ll be straight on the phone then telling you to “get the hell out of their room, they never get any privacy”.
• If for some reason your teen has to go somewhere with you (oh the horror) be prepared for them to walk 20 steps in front and act as though they have no idea who you are. Especially when any of their mates might see you and wind them up by shouting MILF at you. Then you may hear some other choice words but these you will DEFINITELY know the meaning of. They really won’t thank you for giving them a clip around the earhole for swearing in front of their ‘crew’ so best just to let them walk on ahead.
• If, like mine, they’re into free running get ready for your stomach to launch itself out of your mouth every time they show you the latest thing they can do or how many flips they can do off that massive wall that would make you crap yourself just climbing.
Bet you’re totally and utterly looking forward to it now aren’t you?!