Ah teenage boys they really are something else aren’t they? Here’s my A-Z of them, written with the help of the lovely Tracey from Hooks and Dragons.
A. Is for Are you really ready for this? Read this if you want to find out!
B. Is for BAE (Before Anyone Else) Oh how I hate this sodding word but if you wanna be down with the cool kids this is what you’ll call the significant other in your life. I suppose it’s not as bad as some of the names that I call my other half. But bloody hell, surely they could come up with better?!
C. Is for CBA (Can’t be arsed) You’ll hear it at least 400 times a day but only when it involves homework, housework or anything that doesn’t interest them in the slightest. If a mate Snapchats them though, them Vans are on and they’re out the door. Can’t be arsed, my arse.
D. Is for Drunk as a skunk. At some point this is going to happen. And they’re going to vomit somewhere they shouldn’t and be too drunk to clean it up, so you’ll have to if you don’t want all visitors to ask why it smells of sick in your house for the next 12 years. You might even have to go and pick them up from a random park bench from which their frantic mate has rung you at 11pm , if you’re lucky.
E. Is for Eat you out of house and home. I have no idea where the hell they put it but honestly you will never have enough food and no matter how much food is in the house they’ll moan there’s sod all to eat despite there being a million plates in their bedroom.
F. Is for Foxtrot Oscar, you’re going to mumble this under your breath. A LOT. They know everything already and anything you say will be ignored. All of the time.
G. Is for “Get those rotten trainers out of my house.”Christ on a bike those trainers will stink and they’ll always be left at the door just so the smell can hit you as you come in. No amount of Febreze in the world can sort it out. Seriously.
H. Is for Headphones. They’re constantly in and they’ll ignore anything that comes out of your mouth. Half the time I’m not convinced he’s listening to anything just an excuse not to have to listen to me!
I. Is for I’m Going Slightly Mad, just like Freddie you’ll think you’re a banana tree. Well not quite but there will be times when you want to bang your head against the nearest wall. I wouldn’t though if I were you, you’ll just have a headache to go with your headache.
J. Is for Just look for it yourself for god sake! If it isn’t under their nose they can’t see it. Actually scrub that, they can’t see it even if it is right under their nose.
K. Is for Keep slamming that door and I’ll take the bugger off altogether. Threaten them with a lack of privacy and they’ll tow the line. Honest.
L. Is for Loudspeaker, every conversation they have is LOUD. They’ll have a moan at you invading their privacy for overhearing their conversation even though the neighbours at no 42 can hear them shouting into their iPhone. Hold it to your ear like normal bloody people!
M. Is for Mood Swings. Up, down, round and sideways. You never know which mood they’ll be in, it’s like having 4 different people all rolled into one. You know that film Split? It’s like that but upstairs in your house, every single day.
N. Is for No. You’ll find yourself using this word a lot. No you can’t have a house party. No you can’t Snapchat at the dinner table. No you can’t have another plate til you bring the other 12 mouldy ones down.
O. Is for Old. That’s how you feel when spending any time with a teen. Your dress sense, anything you say, your taste in music. All makes you old. And if you try to be all cool & stuff they’ll see right through it and make you feel even older.
P. Is for Puberty, one night your cute little boy is going to go to bed and in the morning he’ll be replaced with something like the Beast. Grumpy, hairy and hungry.
Q. Is for Questionable Hygiene. When was the last time they had a shower or brushed their teeth? If you don’t nag they’ll hope you don’t notice. But you will notice. Your gag reflex will notice.
R. Is for Really Though? Sometimes they’ll come up with elaborate stories for why they are late home. Think alien abduction but it only took half an hour and they must have nicked their keys too, which explains why they’re hammering on the door to be let in.
S. Is for Stiff Socks, you can never, ever be prepared for these bad boys that find themselves anywhere but the washing basket that they’re meant to be in.
T. Is for Texting. I have not a Scooby Doo what they talk about all day but those phones are constantly in their hands. Bleep, bleep, bleeping away.
U. Under the bed, don’t be going under there. Hell no. I’ve warned you.
V. Is for Vaping. It’s the in thing. They’re all at it and they leave a cloud of strawberry arse scented fog wherever they go. They might even sneakily try it in the bedroom and set off the smoke alarm and you’ll threaten to lob it out the window until they whinge about how much it cost. How bloody expensive?!!!
W. Is for Washing. It’s not dirty if it’s in the middle of the floor. It’s just there so they can find it easily. Like a sweaty, smelly, filing system.
X. Is for X rated. I don’t really need to say anymore do I. Don’t walk into their room without knocking. Ever. Don’t though.
Y. Is for You’ve got to be bloody kidding. It’s 3am they’re pissed and they’re ringing you from the back arse of beyond. “Where are you?” You’ll sigh and they’ll answer with something stupid like “well there’s loads of trees” or “outside Milletts”.
Z. Is for zits, they’re going to get them and boy are you going to hear about it. Especially if it’s just before a big night out. It’s the end of the world, everyone will laugh at them, they’ll never be able to leave the house again and so on.
As much as we can have a laugh about it, I bloody love my boy and wouldn’t change him. Well maybe the smelly feet. How many of these remind you of your teen boy? Or are yours completely different?