The Giggling Imp
Once upon a time there was a beautiful Princess…alright,alright, maybe a Haggard Old Witch…who wanted a shower. In she jumped and enjoyed the warm water cleaning her poor tired body. Then the banging started.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
“My goodness what is this?” she thought. Hurriedly wiping coconut & mallow from her burning eyeballs – Bounty never gives her this much pain – she stepped forward, slipping awkwardly like a newborn giraffe but chunkier and with more swears.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
“Ok, ok I’m coming!” she said sweetly and not at all through gritted teeth. She tried to open the door with a wet & soapy hand, before admitting defeat and leaning rather ungracefully out the bath with her arse in the air to swipe at the towel she’d left quite inconveniently across the other side of the bathroom.
THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!
‘Something must be on fire’ she thought. ‘Such loud and insistent knocking warrants big trouble. Oh my.’ Finally she swung open the door and there in the threshold stood an imp. An imp who giggled sweetly, shouted “I love you” and skipped quickly away.
The Grumpy Goblin
Once upon a time there was a Goblin Lad, a particularly grumpy one, with big feet and a terrible attitude. This goblin did not take kindly to being woken up and goodness me it would take some doing. Try as she might, his Mother tried to wake him but once he was asleep even the biggest, baddest Giant footsteps couldn’t rouse him. “What on earth can I do about this terrible situation?” she thought to herself, wringing her warty hands in worry. “If he doesn’t make it to the Goblin Factory to work he will surely be flung out by his big ear.”
In desperation Goblin Ma went to see the Troll, she knew he was a bad egg but what was she to do? The Troll laughed his awful stinky breath laugh and said he had the perfect solution. The Troll disappeared off to his Troll cupboard, there was an awful banging and clashing but he finally reappeared with a great big gnarly club. “I can’t possibly hit him with that!” stuttered Goblin Ma. “His brains would be sure to fall out of his ears!” She went on. “No, no, this won’t do at all!”
The Troll waved a grimy nailed finger and said “Don’t be so silly! This isn’t my brain bashing club that’s much heavier and knobblier, it’s meant for you to teach him a lesson. The moment his phone is cowering under this little beauty he’ll soon be wide awake. It will work like a charm, I promise!”
Goblin Ma dragged that club home under the incredulous gaze of all the other Goblin Mammies and Daddies who whispered behind her back that she must be out of her tiny little mind and how they would never be seen doing such a thing becaue they were, of course, better parents.
Once home, she quickly went to check if, by any chance Goblin Lad had dragged his lazy carcass out of it’s pit. Sadly, it was not to be as she could hear the snoring noises as she ascended. She popped her head round the door and gave him a shout. He emitted a snort and turned over.
“Right, that’s it! I’ve had enough!” she muttered through gritted teeth. She descended the stairs faster than Goblin Pa at the mention of beer and began to heave the club up behind her. BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, it went up the stairs and still he didn’t stir.
Finally she got to the threshold, ran in, grabbed his phone from it’s position right next to his head – at which point an eyelid opened, just enough to allow the tiniest bit of the situation occuring into Goblin’s Lad’s sleepy eye. Just as Goblin Ma had managed to lift that big heavy club high enough to send the phone to Iphone heaven, Goblin Lad leapt out of bed, grabbed the phone and sniped;
“God Ma, I’m up, what’s your problem? You only had to say!”
The Fairy Who Wouldn’t Listen
There was once a beautiful Fairy girl, fair of face with beautiful long flowing hair. Beautiful she may be but there was just one thing. She never listened. Despite being blessed with the prettiest, pointiest of ears she just never wanted to use them. Time and time again Mama Fairy gave her explicit instructions on how to do things and time and time again Fairy Girl would pretend she had listened but she hadn’t. Not one bit.
One morning Mama Fairy asked Fairy Girl not to forget she had promised to babysit that evening for Fairy Ma & Pa so they could go to the Fabulous Fairy Fayre. Fairy Girl didn’t even look up from the most important article she was reading on the latest in strobing your face to Kingdom come, she just grunted and Fairy Ma rolled her eyes as she repeated herself to make sure she understood. Fairy Girl threw down her magazine and flounced off out the door muttering about nagging and never getting a break.
Some time later that afternoon Fairy Ma put on her favourite lipstick while telling Fairy Pa off for leaving his damp towel on the bed. “Where on earth is she? Fairy Ma asked. “She should have been back by now, I told her no end of times we were going out!” “Don’t worry yourself dear, she’ll be here!” said Fairy Pa.
Fairy Ma started to pace the front room, back and fore wearing down the carpet as she went. “I just cannot believe that girl, she just never listens!” Eventually Fairy Ma got changed into her comfy pyjamas and flopped onto the settee in disgust now that it was too late to join in the fun.
Eventually Fairy Girl strolled in, eyeballs glued to Snapchat as per while Fairy Ma fired a million questions in the shriekiest Mum voice ever recorded. Fairy Girl looked up from her phone just long enough to pout;
“But Muuuuum! You didn’t tell me!”