How do people write their birth stories in such detail? Is it just me that’s blanked out most of it? To be honest I don’t think I really want to be able to remember it all. This is mine. Sort of.
1.00 Pains. My word the pains. I knew it would hurt but this? Not funny. Not funny at all. Sick of bouncing on this stupid blue ball. Supposed to help, my arse. Hey, maybe it will actually help my arse look all pert and gorgeous again…yeah right, fat chance of that. Literally.
6.00 We’re off to the hospital. Christ on a bike my tummy hurts. The baby is coming. Why does it have to hurt so bad? Stop going over the bumps. I SAID STOP!
7.00 Took a year and a half to walk up the stairs. In awe of male midwife. Questions fired at me. Got stuck answering my own name. Fingered by someone I barely know. Completely off my tits on gas & air. I’m laughing but I feel sick. More. Give it back here you bitch.
8.15 It’s possible I’ve just pissed myself or shit myself. Or both. Am I bollocks only 4 cms? I can’t be. It’s been going on forever already. Could drive a double decker out of there, surely?
9.00 Told the other half I’d sort his bloody bollocks with a cheese grater AND I’m telling his Mum what he’s done. Just who does he think he is?
9.45 Spewing my ring up. It’s like the Exorcist in here. Just less swearing. Actually, no strike that, fuuuuuuuuuuuuck it’s hurting.
10.20 Told the midwife I’d had a gutsfull and I’m off home. I want to go to bed and sleep through this thanks. Pass my knickers please somebody. Anybody.
10.30 If she says push one more time no word of a lie I’m fucking decking her.
10.45 I just have a snooze right here, tired now.
11.00 Oh fuck, oh fuck my fanny’s on fire.
11.15 Who’s driving a tractor out of my bits for fuck sake it hurts. You can stop now thanks.
12.00 The baby is out now, it’s covered in gunk and stuff. Looks like a potato. Just like his dad.
12.30 Just looked at myself in the mirror. Look like a battered tomato. So red. So sweaty. So help me god.
13.00 Who the hell kicked me in the minge 55 times?
14.30 Just been handed a piss jug. Nopedy no thankyou please.
14.45 It stings. It stings worse than bees and ants and vinegar on a tampon.
15.45 All these people here touching my baby. I proper look like shit. People taking photos. I’ll kill them all. If I could get up without it feeling like all my insides will fall out my ladyhole.
17.00 (Barely) Toast(ed) and a cup of tea. My piss was stronger but at least it’s hot. Thankyou Mary you beautiful woman in a tabard with a squeaky trolley.
Obviously this is just a humorous version of events, some of this is true to life and some embellished but I won’t spoil it by telling you which bits! Can you remember everything that happened or are you like me and have blanked most of it completely? Do you have any amusing stories from the labour room?