Dear Diary 1st June 2017

Number of times I’ve been called Mum: 22,550

Number of fights broken up: 3264

Dear Diary… Argument with the Teen today about him listening to music too loud through his headphones. Yeah, he can roll his eyes and tell me to stop nagging but let’s see how funny it is when he can’t hear a damn thing in his thirties. Mind you he doesn’t tend to hear a bloody word I say now anyway unless it’s something to do with either food or money.

Little Lady started a Gymnastics class. For months and months she had been asking to go, after many an email back and fore to the Gymnastic club trying to get a class that worked around my working hours I finally got one. She was so excited until the morning of said class came. Then she decided she didn’t want to go. FML. Much coaxing and pleading changed her mind eventually but she’d only go if she didn’t have to wear socks – I’ve never known a kid who hates wearing socks as much as her – as I was leaving the room I caught her asking Siri if you have to wear socks for Gymnastics. Awwwwww.

Car went in for MOT. Have hated taking the car to the garage ever since that time not long after I passed when I drove into the garage and beeped the horn by mistake and all the lads jumped a mile and tutted at me while I died. Good news was that the car passed. Bad news was that when I dropped the car off I had to walk home about a mile in the pissing down rain, I was soaked right through. Not fun.

We have been attempting to redecorate. It’s not an easy job as it appears that the previous occupants saw fit to apply filler to the walls with what appears to be a knife and fork so it looks like we’ll be saving up the dosh for replastering. Bloody marvellous.

Had an awesome conversation with Little Lady about her becoming a Mum in the very, very distant future.

Little Lady: “I want 2 children, a boy and a girl.”

Me: “Aww, that’s lovely they might be just like you.”

Little Lady: “No”

Me: “Why not?”

Little Lady: “I want them to be good”

Me: ……….

Introduced the kids to the Labyrinth, I’m pleased that they loved it. We even bought it on DVD, in a boxset with The Dark Crystal. Now they’re both those types of films that you either love or the they freak the hell out of you. A few years ago I told a friend (we’ll call him Spidey – he’ll like that) about my love of The Dark Crystal expecting him to like it too. Only I got it totally wrong and he was a bit more “what the hell did you make me watch?” It’s a totally different experience watching it as an adult than a kid though. My brother and I spent years telling each other “I hate your whimper!” that’s the best bit.


We have Little Lady & Little Man’s Birthday Party coming up. This is the first party we’ve had that hasn’t meant inviting the kids friends to the house. Should be interesting, I know the kids will love it. Soft Play. My nemesis. Lord help me.



They’re Not Your Friend

Being a teen is hard. Raising a teen is also hard. Getting, keeping and getting on with friends can also be hard. After attending a kids party  recently I realised how hard it is to make friends when you’re an adult and everyone already has their groups and aren’t willing to let an outsider in. It’s made me think back to my younger teenage self and what I would tell her about friends.

Friends. Who’d have ’em? Well, most of us hopefully in some form or other. Some people keep the same group of friends over the years, some have different groups of friends, some may even have none at all.

I lost my best school friend about a year after we’d finished comprehensive school, we’d gone to college to do different courses and during that time had made new friends from those respective courses. There was one girl in particular whom she had befriended who I didn’t take to. Just one of those things, you can’t like everyone so I just avoided her.  As time went on though it occurred to me she had an agenda. I had new boyfriend at the time and had confided in my BF that he was a bit too nice and I wasn’t sure where it would go and if he was the one for me. In turn my BF had told this girl (not sure why) who it turned out was also a mutual friend of my boyfriend. She then came to me and told me that if I didn’t tell him, she would. I was young, naive and so I finished with him rather than her drop me in it and cause a big scene, which looking back is obviously what she was hoping for.

The nail in the coffin however was when I’d gone out for the night clubbing with my new college friends I was aware that this girl was also there, as was my BF’s boyfriend – not together- but not my BF. I said “Hi!” to both at different times and thought no more of it. The next day however I got a distressed phone call from my BF asking me who the hell I thought I was kissing her boyfriend? When I asked her where on earth she’d got that idea from, in the back of my mind I already knew. Of course it was her, lighting the fuse and standing back as it went off. My BF was devastated, understandably as she thought her boyfriend and I had cheated but other than the quick hello I’d not even been near him. I was really angry that not only was I being accused of something I hadn’t done but that she blatantly believed it. We were never really friends afterwards and whilst it all seems very childish now but at the time it seemed the end of the world.

With those things filed under experience these are the things I’d tell my younger self and my own teen about friends.

• If they put you down and make you feel shit about yourself? They’re not your friend.

• If they let you down time and time again? They’re not your friend.

• If they try it on with your significant other or even just someone you’ve told them you have ‘a thing’ for? They’re not your friend.

• If they make snidey comments about you either to you face or behind your back? They’re not your friend.

• If they constantly ask for favours but never return them? They’re not your friend.

• If you’ve asked tactfully or otherwise not to say things that upset you and they still do? They’re not your friend.

• If they try to get you to do something they know you’re not comfortable with? They’re not your friend.

• If they tell lies about you or anyone else to make themselves look good or get their own way? They’re not your friend.

Basically what I’m trying to say is if they don’t treat you with respect you don’t have to put up with it just because you think you’ll have no friends. You WILL make new ones. Your life will go in all sorts of different directions and you just never know what’s around the corner.


What’s My Arse Got To Do With It?

There I was Friday afternoon, just left work and popped into the vape shop for the other half (guaranteed to make you feel old & uncool those places – especially in a suit) out I scarpered and wandered round the corner when I was suddenly aware of a couple of teenage lads behind me making comments such as “look at the size of her arse” and making noises like an elephant pounding the pavement. As I turned to look what they were yabbering on about I realised they were talking about me. My ARSE!

The initial shock just made me waddle a bit quicker to just get the hell out of there. Embarrassed, I didn’t say a word. In hindsight (as they say it’s wonderful) I wish I’d let rip and torn them a new one or been like really grown up and flashed them a V. It’s just not in my nature. Instead I tend to spend hours going over all the things I SHOULD have said.

First of all, what’s it to you? Why do you care what size my arse is? Was it blocking your view of the trainers in Sports Direct? How exactly does it impact on your life?

What makes you think it’s ok to not only say something so bloody rude but out loud somewhere public where other people can also hear? Elephants though dude? Could have made an effort.

Would you still think it was funny if your girlfriend/Mum/sister were on the receiving end of it? What if some little knobhead ran up to your old Nana laughing at her “fat arse” eh? Totally hilarious right?

If your idea of someone being an elephant is a size 12 then there’s something seriously wrong with your idea of ‘normal’. Should everyone live on lettuce to meet with your approval?

Initially I felt ashamed that my arse had been the focus of such negativity but then later on I realised that actually, I don’t know those lads nor do I actually give 2 sh*ts what they think of me but what if they’d said that to someone who was bothered? Someone perhaps younger and more impressionable or already struggling with how they feel about their body? Why should they have to sit at home and cry over such spiteful comments? Or worse?

Ok so maybe my bum is a bit Lumpy Space Princess and I could do with losing a few cream cakes but honestly when it comes down to it? It’s none of your sodding business! So next time you feel like taking the mick out of someone who’s arse is nothing to do with you go home, bleach your eyes or whatever makes you feel better and think about how maybe you should just say nothing. Or better still change your whole outlook on life. People come in different shapes and sizes and there’s nothing you can do about it. What you find attractive might be the next persons unattractive. That in itself isn’t a problem, opening your big fat gob, voicing it to the world in a bid to shame people however IS. So basically what I’m trying to say is:

Take your opinion and shove it up your arse.



10 Facts About The Blogger #allaboutme

I’ve been nominated by Paul at Cheeky Dad Blog for a blogging challenge where I tell you lot 10 facts about myself. Going to be a challenge finding 10 interesting things believe me. I’m right boring.

1. I hate being late it’s an obsession of mine. I’ve only been late for work once in 20 years and even then I did it spectacularly. I got stuck on the M4 for 3 hours and I’d forgotten my mobile so you can imagine my boss wondering whether I’d been abducted by aliens because I’m never late. They were about to call the cops in when I strolled – by strolled I mean run in hair all over the place and my face red as a tomato.

2. Although I call him ‘hubby’ I’m not married. We’ve been together 10 years and to be honest I’ve never been one of those girls who dreamed of a huge white dress and all that nonsense. I also can’t think of anything worse then standing up in the front of the room with all eyes on me. No ta.

3. There’s an 11 year gap between my 1st & 2nd children. I was so traumatised the 1st time I never wanted to do it again. I came round to the idea though (obviously) and all those people who said it wouldn’t be so bad the 2nd time round? Bloody liars. And when they said the 3rd would be a piece of cake? Even more lies. She was the worst birth of the lot. I am positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably NEVER having any more.

4. I have a secret love for the N64. When my son was around 7 or 8 I was a single Mum and a bit skint I was offered the console with games for £20. I bit her hand off and thought he’d love it. What I wasn’t expecting though was that I’d love it just as much. My boy and I lost hours playing Ocarina of Time, Majoras Mask, Banjo Kazooie, Mario and Goldeneye. I can’t say I like any of the consoles or games since really and these days you can’t lob the controller across the room in a rage cos they cost way too much and are flimsy as.

5. I have lots of scars, I was a right knob as a kid and ridiculously accident prone. The main one is next to my right eye from where my Dad was watching the A-Team in the dark , I tripped over his Adidas Samba’s and smashed my face on the coffee table. Cue my Mum calling my Dad all the dickheads known to man and my Uncle with the huge hair getting a phone call to get his Cortina over to our house quick as you like to take me to hospital. I screamed that much that my Dad told the Dr he wasn’t allowed to stitch it and to use butterfly stitches which then left a bad scar. What a baby eh?!

6. I hate being cold, it makes me a right grumpy moo. I’m the one who watches TV in the evening fully clothed with my dressing gown over the top, a blanket over my lap and thick socks. Sexy or what?

7. I have 3 tattoos. 1 is a seriously crap cover up that covered a seriously crap tattoo to start with. If you’re going to have 1 think it over and find a decent tattoo artist. The other 2 are good ones thank god. Someone once told me that getting a tattoo was worse than giving birth. She hadn’t had any children though. WTF?!!

8. When I was 18 I worked in a nightclub. Best job I’ve ever had. We had ahem ‘celebrity’ nights and I’ve sat in the staffroom with the guys from Steps. Bet you can’t beat that 😀

9. I love some cartoons more than the kids and have been known to intentionally watch them when they’re not around. If you’ve never seen Amazing World of Gumball, Adventure Time or Clarence you’re really missing out!

10. I’m allergic to nuts.Ever since my Mum made us Cherry Bakewells and I ended up like the Elephant Man I’ve had to avoid the sodding things. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve told people and they’ve sniggered and asked how I managed to have 3 kids. Eye roll.

I now nominate Alan from OMG It’s a Girl and anyone else who fancies giving it a go.


Various Vacant Valentine’s

Having chatted to my son’s girlfriends Mum (stay with me) and her telling me how lovely my son is to her daughter as her first boyfriend and with Valentine’s soon to be upon us it made me think about the types of boyfriend I’ve had in the past. It didn’t all go well for me (although I am happy now) as I’m sure it didn’t for many others…

Mr First Love

The one who broke your heart for the first time. The one that made you cry snotty tears on your Dad’s shoulder for weeks til he got fed up and told you to stop bloody whinging or he’d go round and kick his scrawny little arse. You cried every time you heard sad songs on the radio and he’s the one that made your Mum say “there’s plenty more fish in the sea” and you’d scream “but I wanted him, I hate everyone. It’s so unfair.”


Door slam.

“Stop slamming the bloody doors.”

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Mr friends with benefits

Not actually a boyfriend but that one ‘friend’ that you occasionally fell into bed with after a few too many cocktails. The one you probably had a secret crush on for years and so you put in 10/10 for effort (except that, never that) in the hope they’d wake up one morning and see that you’re the love of their life. Unlikely if you wake up looking like Worzel Gummidge on a bad hair day. He’s happy getting his rocks off and you’ll do.

Mr Nice

The guy who can’t do enough for you, buys you endless flowers, teddy bears and chips on his way home from work but if you’re anything like me and don’t have a romantic bone in your body then it will start to grate after a while. You face the task of telling the poor sod that it’s not him it’s you. You’re not ready for a relationship blah, blah and feel like the world’s biggest bitch.


Mr should have been

He asked you out, you said no because he has a crap curtains haircut or something and by the time you realise that actually you fancied him all along, he’s seeing someone else (cow) you finally give up on him dumping her and find someone else only to find him single again and so it goes on. Maybe you ended up with him, maybe you didn’t.

Mr out of your league and a bit of a twat 

He’s in a cool band, he’s all piercings, tattoos and awesome hair. Women throw their knickers at him. You can’t believe he’s chosen you to go out with. It’s great. Until you start to hear the rumours about him seeing other girls and him even parading them in front of you like you’d clap and say “good show,old bean”. One day when you see through the pretty face you’ll realise he was pretty much an arsehole all along.


Mr only after one thing

He took you to the cinema or for a nice meal (probably to Pizza Hut but we’ll let that slide) he’s walked you home, he goes for the kiss then it all goes a bit Pete Tong. He suddenly turns into a frigging octopus. Slimy…erm…tentacles all over the place. A few slaps later and he’s all offended. He bought you an extra bowl of onion rings for God’s sake. Surely he should get something in return? Sod off mate and don’t come back.

Mr I can’t tell the truth to save my life

He’s a natural born liar. He’s not just economical with the truth, he tells massive whoppers. He tells you on the phone he’s out having a ‘messy’ night with the lads when you can quite blatantly hear the Eastenders theme tune in the background. He says he can’t come over because he’s broken his leg playing football but 3 days later he turns up with sod all wrong with his leg. He’s visited Mars and his aunt is Lady Gaga. Bloody weirdo.

How many of these have you met? Any others you could add?