The A-Z Of Teenage Boys

Ah teenage boys they really are something else aren’t they? Here’s my A-Z of them, written with the help of the lovely Tracey from Hooks and Dragons.

A. Is for Are you really ready for this? Read this if you want to find out!

B. Is for BAE (Before Anyone Else) Oh how I hate this sodding word but if you wanna be down with the cool kids this is what you’ll call the significant other in your life. I suppose it’s not as bad as some of the names that I call my other half. But bloody hell, surely they could come up with better?!

C. Is for CBA (Can’t be arsed) You’ll hear it at least 400 times a day but only when it involves homework, housework or anything that doesn’t interest them in the slightest. If a mate Snapchats them though, them Vans are on and they’re out the door. Can’t be arsed, my arse.

D. Is for Drunk as a skunk. At some point this is going to happen. And they’re going to vomit somewhere they shouldn’t and be too drunk to clean it up, so you’ll have to if you don’t want all visitors to ask why it smells of sick in your house for the next 12 years. You might even have to go and pick them up from a random park bench from which their frantic mate has rung you at 11pm , if you’re lucky.

E. Is for Eat you out of house and home. I have no idea where the hell they put it but honestly you will never have enough food and no matter how much food is in the house they’ll moan there’s sod all to eat despite there being a million plates in their bedroom.

F. Is for Foxtrot Oscar, you’re going to mumble this under your breath. A LOT. They know everything already and anything you say will be ignored. All of the time.

G. Is for “Get those rotten trainers out of my house.”Christ on a bike those trainers will stink and they’ll always be left at the door just so the smell can hit you as you come in. No amount of Febreze in the world can sort it out. Seriously.

H. Is for Headphones. They’re constantly in and they’ll ignore anything that comes out of your mouth. Half the time I’m not convinced he’s listening to anything just an excuse not to have to listen to me!

I. Is for I’m Going Slightly Mad, just like Freddie you’ll think you’re a banana tree. Well not quite but there will be times when you want to bang your head against the nearest wall. I wouldn’t though if I were you, you’ll just have a headache to go with your headache.

J. Is for Just look for it yourself for god sake! If it isn’t under their nose they can’t see it. Actually scrub that, they can’t see it even if it is right under their nose.

K. Is for Keep slamming that door and I’ll take the bugger off altogether. Threaten them with a lack of privacy and they’ll tow the line. Honest.

L. Is for Loudspeaker, every conversation they have is LOUD. They’ll have a moan at you invading their privacy for overhearing their conversation even though the neighbours at no 42 can hear them shouting into their iPhone. Hold it to your ear like normal bloody people!

M. Is for Mood Swings. Up, down, round and sideways. You never know which mood they’ll be in, it’s like having 4 different people all rolled into one. You know that film Split? It’s like that but upstairs in your house, every single day.

N. Is for No. You’ll find yourself using this word a lot. No you can’t have a house party. No you can’t Snapchat at the dinner table. No you can’t have another plate til you bring the other 12 mouldy ones down.

O. Is for Old. That’s how you feel when spending any time with a teen. Your dress sense, anything you say, your taste in music. All makes you old. And if you try to be all cool & stuff they’ll see right through it and make you feel even older.

P. Is for Puberty, one night your cute little boy is going to go to bed and in the morning he’ll be replaced with something like the Beast. Grumpy, hairy and hungry.

Q. Is for Questionable Hygiene. When was the last time they had a shower or brushed their teeth? If you don’t nag they’ll hope you don’t notice. But you will notice. Your gag reflex will notice.

R. Is for Really Though? Sometimes they’ll come up with elaborate stories for why they are late home. Think alien abduction but it only took half an hour and they must have nicked their keys too, which explains why they’re hammering on the door to be let in.

S. Is for Stiff Socks, you can never, ever be prepared for these bad boys that find themselves anywhere but the washing basket that they’re meant to be in.

T. Is for Texting. I have not a Scooby Doo what they talk about all day but those phones are constantly in their hands. Bleep, bleep, bleeping away.

U. Under the bed, don’t be going under there. Hell no. I’ve warned you.

V. Is for Vaping. It’s the in thing. They’re all at it and they leave a cloud of strawberry arse scented fog wherever they go. They might even sneakily try it in the bedroom and set off the smoke alarm and you’ll threaten to lob it out the window until they whinge about how much it cost. How bloody expensive?!!!

W. Is for Washing. It’s not dirty if it’s in the middle of the floor. It’s just there so they can find it easily. Like a sweaty, smelly, filing system.

X. Is for X rated. I don’t really need to say anymore do I. Don’t walk into their room without knocking. Ever. Don’t though.

Y. Is for You’ve got to be bloody kidding. It’s 3am they’re pissed and they’re ringing you from the back arse of beyond. “Where are you?” You’ll sigh and they’ll answer with something stupid like “well there’s loads of trees” or “outside Milletts”.

Z. Is for zits, they’re going to get them and boy are you going to hear about it. Especially if it’s just before a big night out. It’s the end of the world, everyone will laugh at them, they’ll never be able to leave the house again and so on.

As much as we can have a laugh about it, I bloody love my boy and wouldn’t change him. Well maybe the smelly feet. How many of these remind you of your teen boy? Or are yours completely different?

julie-x-2 (1)

They’re Not Your Friend

Being a teen is hard. Raising a teen is also hard. Getting, keeping and getting on with friends can also be hard. After attending a kids party  recently I realised how hard it is to make friends when you’re an adult and everyone already has their groups and aren’t willing to let an outsider in. It’s made me think back to my younger teenage self and what I would tell her about friends.

Friends. Who’d have ’em? Well, most of us hopefully in some form or other. Some people keep the same group of friends over the years, some have different groups of friends, some may even have none at all.

I lost my best school friend about a year after we’d finished comprehensive school, we’d gone to college to do different courses and during that time had made new friends from those respective courses. There was one girl in particular whom she had befriended who I didn’t take to. Just one of those things, you can’t like everyone so I just avoided her.  As time went on though it occurred to me she had an agenda. I had new boyfriend at the time and had confided in my BF that he was a bit too nice and I wasn’t sure where it would go and if he was the one for me. In turn my BF had told this girl (not sure why) who it turned out was also a mutual friend of my boyfriend. She then came to me and told me that if I didn’t tell him, she would. I was young, naive and so I finished with him rather than her drop me in it and cause a big scene, which looking back is obviously what she was hoping for.

The nail in the coffin however was when I’d gone out for the night clubbing with my new college friends I was aware that this girl was also there, as was my BF’s boyfriend – not together- but not my BF. I said “Hi!” to both at different times and thought no more of it. The next day however I got a distressed phone call from my BF asking me who the hell I thought I was kissing her boyfriend? When I asked her where on earth she’d got that idea from, in the back of my mind I already knew. Of course it was her, lighting the fuse and standing back as it went off. My BF was devastated, understandably as she thought her boyfriend and I had cheated but other than the quick hello I’d not even been near him. I was really angry that not only was I being accused of something I hadn’t done but that she blatantly believed it. We were never really friends afterwards and whilst it all seems very childish now but at the time it seemed the end of the world.

With those things filed under experience these are the things I’d tell my younger self and my own teen about friends.

• If they put you down and make you feel shit about yourself? They’re not your friend.

• If they let you down time and time again? They’re not your friend.

• If they try it on with your significant other or even just someone you’ve told them you have ‘a thing’ for? They’re not your friend.

• If they make snidey comments about you either to you face or behind your back? They’re not your friend.

• If they constantly ask for favours but never return them? They’re not your friend.

• If you’ve asked tactfully or otherwise not to say things that upset you and they still do? They’re not your friend.

• If they try to get you to do something they know you’re not comfortable with? They’re not your friend.

• If they tell lies about you or anyone else to make themselves look good or get their own way? They’re not your friend.

Basically what I’m trying to say is if they don’t treat you with respect you don’t have to put up with it just because you think you’ll have no friends. You WILL make new ones. Your life will go in all sorts of different directions and you just never know what’s around the corner.

julie-x-2

Is Moving Out All It’s Cracked Up To Be?

Moving out. Not all it’s cracked up to be is it? Listening to my 18 year old  chatter about how great it will be when he moves out makes me think back *cough* 20 years ago to the times when I thought i was young and free. Yeah….

The first place I shared with a friend was an absolute dive. Oh dear lord it was horrific. Think of that place in your town or city that no-one wants to live in. That really horrible arsehole end of town that people make a face at when you mention it. People grip their handbags for dear life when even just walking around the outskirts of it. That’s where we lived.

The day we moved in (myself and another girl) we had already had a right day of it. Picture it. We’d gone to a local property management bloke who had been recommended because he didn’t ask for thousands up front and as we both had jobs but didn’t earn a mint it sounded ideal to us young, naive girls. Not sure what he was recommended for as he had no more knowledge of being a professional landlord  than I have of astro physics. He told us he had the perfect property for us. Oh how excited we were. Two 18 year olds moving their suitcases of, well… basically shoes, into a new place of our own. It was gorgeous, spacious and clean with a fantastic view. We’d only just started putting our clobber away when in through the door comes a couple. “What the f**k are you doing in our flat?” they spit at us. “Um, Mr X rented it to us” “well he can bloody well unrent it then it’s ours we’ve signed for it, get him on the phone”. This was back in the day when mobiles had only just come out. I picked up my brick to ring him. “I’m ever so sorry I’ve made a mistake” he says. “I’ll come and pick you up, I have just the place for you”. Shoes get bunged back into suitcases and off we go in the back of his Mcdonald’s wrappered car. He took us through the door and the wonder awaited us.

Just the place. JUST THE PLACE?

The excited giggles didn’t last long. They soon turned to shock. Then horror. The bright blue carpet in the front room had hundreds of pine needles stuck in it – I would later find myself on hands and knees with a pair of tweezers attempting to remove them. Hours of my life wasted. Half the floorboards were pulled up. Mr X told us this was because the electrics were being looked at. Speculation later from other friends was that there had been a drugs bust and we were living in some kind of Heroin hidey hole. Gawd. Although there was a handyman type guy who came around and disappeared down under the floor several times a day and once stood on a ladder to ‘fix the boiler’, I heard a spark and I kid you not he flew halfway across the room. Up he gets and starts jumping up and down on the spot stammering “I’m fine”.

Mr X told us the place was fully furnished. Bit economical with the truth there. It was to a degree but on looking at the bedrooms we realised they were full of stuff. Not just furniture but piles and piles of crap. We were told we couldn’t throw anything away as they belonged to the homeowner and as we were both about to go to work we felt we had no choice but to sign or find ourselves homeless. Pride stopped us from running back home after making such a big deal about leaving. When I got to work someone asked me if I was ok and I burst out crying. They thought someone had died. I put them right of course and told them that I’d just moved into the biggest sh*thole of a house known to man.

After work we got home and had a really good look around. On the plus side (the only one really) it had a gorgeous bathroom huge and really tidy. There was an attic type hatch in there, I never did find out where it led as the only time I put my hand in to feel around I pulled out a pile of dirty magazines, hastily shoved them back in and closed it forever. I would later be found on the loo, pants round my ankles in a cider induced slumber in that bathroom. Good job there were no camera phones then I can tell you. Got a lot of ribbing for that one from the group of friends stood in the doorway to laugh at my misfortune. The sods.

untidy-living-room-messy

My brother in our stylish living area.Yes that is an upturned coffee table.No I don’t know why.

There were 3 bedrooms. 1 of which had a random red lightbulb. It was from then on known as ‘the red room’. It was one of those rooms that gave you the heebie jeebies. It was floor to ceiling full of ‘things’ I say things because I actually have no real idea what was in there as I scarpered a bit quick. That room just wasn’t right. We ended up sharing a bed in the main bedroom because we didn’t want to move all the stuff off the middle bed. Lord only knows what you might find in there. People, dogs, whole family of rabbits. Who knows?

messy-bedroom

A teenage me in my luxurious bedroom.

Mr X also turned out to be a right weirdo who entered the house whenever he felt like it especially if the rent was more than 3 minutes late. Once I caught him coming through the door having leapt out of bed and down the stairs and he said in a leary fashion “oh that nightie is really see through” (it wasn’t) and that was actually an occasion where I told him to “knob off out of my house.”

I eventually moved from there to a much tidier flat in a nice part of town and life was much different. Maybe doing it the way I did was a learning curve, did me good. Or maybe I should have just admitted to my Mum the place was a dive and gone home. C’est La Vie.

Did you move out into a sensible place or did you too live in a craphole?

julie-x-2

Monday Stumble Linky

Getting A Teen Out Of Bed

Right now you may have little ones and be experiencing  5.30a.m morning wake ups and sit there wishing they ‘would just stay in bed and give you a lie in’. STOP. Karma will come around and kick you right up the bum when they turn into a teenager and you can’t get the sod out of bed for love nor money. Here are the stages of getting said teenager up that happen in our house. Insert Spongebob style ’10 minutes later’ between each one.

Stage 1

This is the stage where you’re still optimistic that today will be the day that they get up without the hassle. Pahahahahaha.You knock the door whilst steeling yourself for the stench, run in and shake them awake cheerily telling them if they get up now there’s plenty of time for shower, breakfast and a cuppa.

Stage2

10 minutes later you realise there is no movement going on upstairs and stomp back up in the hope that your heavy footsteps will get them shifting. Does it heck. They’re still lying there bleary eyed saying “what?”. Keep calm, they’re bound to get up soon, they’ll be worried about being late.Right?!

Stage 3
Now you’re getting your hair off, they’re taking the mickey. So you go up and threaten them that if you have to come up again you’ll be bringing a bucket of water. They sigh and moan “for god’s sake” under their breath. Yes, because obviously I’m doing this for fun. It’s the highlight of my day don’t you know?! I really don’t have anything better to do like sticking hot pokers in my eyes, the usual.

Stage 4

Right they’re still not up. So you realise it’s time to make good on your threat to throw water. You spend a few minutes looking for the bucket you bought the kids at the beach in the summer and when you remember they’re probably at the back of the shed with the false widows and tube webs you decide ‘sod that for a laugh’ and just grab the mop bucket, chuck the mouldy smelling mop across the kitchen in annoyance and fill it up. Drag the heavy sodding thing up the stairs only to find right at the last second the teen will magically launch themselves out of bed and shout “I was up, stop stressing” You fight the urge to drench the cheeky git anyway, grit your teeth muttering about ‘lazy bloody kids’ lug the bucket back downstairs and get ready to start fighting ‘get dressed and ready wars’ where they’ll race down the stairs – steady on- to shout about the favourite t-shirt/skinny jeans/trainers they can’t find and you’ve obviously moved. Believe me mate I wouldn’t touch your stinky clodhoppers if my life depended on it!

So honestly, if you are reading this bleary eyed at the crack of a sparrow’s fart then just remember it’ll come full circle in a few years time.

Are your teens like this too? Are you one of the lucky ones who’s teens get up without a fuss?

julie-x-2

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

18th Birthdays

My eldest ‘child’ has just turned 18. I can’t believe where the time has gone and I certainly don’t feel old enough to be the Mother of an 18 year old – crow’s feet tell me otherwise however.

It’s made me think back to when I turned 18 and what I was doing at the time. For my 18th I had a party in the local Community Centre, with friends and family. Getting ready for said party I remember spending hours choosing my outfit – a toss up between black PVC trousers – they were ‘in’ at the time, I swear! – and a short checked skirt complete with those horrible shiny tights which everyone wore. I teamed my fave crushed velvet top with the skirt before coming down the stairs to my Dad’s ‘I’m not in the slightest bit bloody impressed face’ before telling me I looked like a tart and to go and change. Off I went upstairs and changed. Actually, that’s a lie because I went upstairs and faffed around for long enough for it to be too late for him to make me change and off we went with me in my tarty skirt. Luckily enough we didn’t have a long walk!

 

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Much hilarity and alcohol ensued including dancing with my late Nan to Tina Turner’s Simply the Best. We even had the obligatory punch-up that happens at all the best parties. I wasn’t involved mind you! It was the weirdo Uncle and 300 times removed knobhead cousin. I was more bothered about my laddered tights making me look less than glamourous. Nevermind that I had lipstick smeared across my face.

I don’t really remember an awful lot else apart from being put to bed by the then boyfriend (who dumped me shortly after – dick) and waking up several times to be sick,scooping up cold cider & black covered lumps of vol-au-vent in the morning isn’t up there on my list of favourite activities I must admit. To this day I can’t drink cider and black. Bleurgh.

The next night I joined a few of my friends at the local nightclub, in my 18 badges and got a few raised eyebrows from the bouncers who’d been letting me in on a Saturday night for months. Oops!

Since my 18th wasn’t all that exciting I decided to ask some fab bloggers what they did for their 18th and this is what they said!


Chantele from Two Hearts One Roof:

“I had a big party in a local hotel. But I couldn’t touch a drop of alcohol as i was on special antibiotics and painkillers that would have caused me to vomit if i drunk even a drop, I had a bad root abscess in a front tooth 4 days before that caused half my face to swell, cue panic! the extra strong meds were in the hope my face would get back to normal before the party!”


Jenna from Then There Were Three:

“Mine was awful! Hired out a function room of a pub for all my friends and family. Ended up leaving at 10:30 after arguing with my boyfriend at the time who had a go at me as he thought my cousin was coming onto me 😂😂 I ended up throwing a pint over him and pushing him into a bush before leaving 🙈”


Sarah from The Parenting Trials:

“I made it a 18th birthday weekend, consisting of meals, a trip to the pier, a drunk night out and then a hungover family meal urgh haha was so ill couldn’t eat it, my family kept trying to get the bday cake brought out to sing happy birthday to me, however i kept running off to be sick so they had to keep sending it back lol 🙈🙈”


Laura from The Unsung Mum:

“I went to Newquay with a group of friends including my now husband. He invented a friend who had just broken up with his long term girlfriend and they decided to get drunk then throw up all over our bed. Safe to say I gave him the cold shoulder the next day, found every pot and pan I could to smack around and made him make it up to me for a week after!!”


Jodie from Life With Pink Princesses:

“My friends hired a stripper and we had alcohol at home for a house party and Ann Summers party 😂”


Maddy from The Speed Bump

“I got engaged! We went on a family holiday, my boyfriend came along and he asked me to marry him at sunset! We went back last year for my 21st birthday with our toddler, it was so lovely 🙂 “


Steph from Mental Parentals:

“I went to my local pub that had been my local for two years…”


Cathryn from A Cardiff Mummy Says:

“I had my last A-level exam on my 18th birthday! English Literature. The joys of a June birthday! A group of us went straight to the pub after our exam, in our school uniforms! After much persuasion and showing of ID, they let us buy alcoholic drinks.
I then had an awesome house party that night. Even though having an A-level exam on my actual birthday was pretty rubbish, I’m very grateful the exam wasn’t the day after my birthday so at least I could celebrate.”


Carla from Random Thoughts Of A Twenty Something:

“I was 6 months pregnant with my second child. I was surprised with a meal with all my friends and family and an awesome TARDIS cake! :-D”


Lauren from Blogger Mummy Lauren

“I went in to Newcastle for my first legal drink then invited a group of close friends over to my house for a ‘quiet house party’. I woke up the next morning with no recollection of my night, covered in all kinds of phallic shaped permanent marker drawings all over my body. Had to go for an interview for my foundation degree with the outline of something quite rude on my face the next day 😂”


Michaela from Two Little Paines

“I decided I’d never had a birthday party before so I was going to have one …adult bouncy castle, pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey, vodka jelly, baileys ice cream etc”


Hannah from Hannah Spannah

“What if it was nearly 20 years ago and you can’t actually remember? 😂😂😂
I know I had some friends over for cake and champagne but I must have done something else. I probably went out to Harrogate and drank so much that I have permanent memory loss.”


Zoe from Mama Geek

“I was taking part in the International Air Cadet Exchange and was visiting Canada for 10 days. I spent my 18th birthday visiting Niagara Falls, including a trip on the Maid of the Mist boat. I didn’t have any alcohol though as I couldn’t legally drink as where I was staying the legal drinking age was higher than 18. An absolutely amazing birthday though!!”


Helen from Casa Costello

“I spent my 18th with the most boring teacher ever searching through clearing to get a place at uni (Daft August birthday!) I did secure a place at uni about 3pm though (and then went to the pub)”


Jessica from BabiAFi

“My nan died not long before so it was very subdued, really. As I remember on the day itself I went to a local pub quiz – which we lost massively – and because I was a total prig in those days I only drank orange juice anyway!”


What did you do for your 18th? Was it all fun and games or a more sober affair?Julie x (2)

Monday Stumble Linky

 

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday